I always feel like I’m dying

I always feel like I’m dying. I am an obsessive, compulsive worrier about parts of my body that could be behaving wrong. That there are tumors just waiting to pop up here and there. And I can’t help it. I don’t know how often I need to say this, but I cannot truly help feeling this way, worrying about different parts of my body that could contain something malicious. I’m always scared and I hate every second of it.

I’m writing this today because I feel something, some pain or soreness, in my neck/chin area. 99.1% sure it’s not serious. It’s probably just some muscle pain. But that doesn’t make me feel better. People telling me that it’s just some minuscule, baby pain doesn’t make me feel better. It will never make me feel better.

Only my dad shares this fucking fear like I do because we saw someone we both LOVE very dearly get told by millions of doctors that “oh, that’s nothing” and “it’s benign.” The tumor was not fucking benign because if it was my mother would still be here.

I feel like an appropriate response to these doctors is to stop trusting them, but I stopped trusting my body. I am so scared, worried all the time that something is going wrong because when does it ever go right, if it didn’t go right for her?

All I’m saying is I guess is if I’m ever complaining about a pain here or there, and I’m acting a little obsessive and worrisome over it, the last thing I want to hear is “it’s nothing.” My anxiety doesn’t think it’s nothing, and I do not either. As a PSA, please take into account other people’s fears before calling someone unreasonable.


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