My letter to you.

You don’t even seem real anymore. I look through photos and see your face and get teary-eyed but where are you even? Who is this person I am looking at? You seem like some person in my past that didn’t have a chance to be apart of my future and I just don’t. understand. Why life turned out this way and why you had to be taken away from me. I don’t understand how pain and suffering can continue this long and I don’t like how it will always.remain.

I sit here and write this in tears because Yellow by Coldplay came on in the car today and I couldn’t help but break down and remember the last. good. night. we spent together watching Coldplay live. April 28, 2012.

Was my life always meant to end up this way? Was I supposed to go through a shithole of bad times in middle school in order to get super close with you but then just as quickly get you taken away from me? Is my destiny to be sad and depressed for the rest of my life? Am I always going to feel this broken?

The void. the empty space. the whole in my heart that is missing her mother. I miss you so much mom and if for some fucking reason there is a God and you’re in heaven reading this post. I’m doing this all for you. You’re on my mind every day and I am never. going. to forget you. I got into college mom. I’m going to Berkeley. I’m staying close to home and I wish you were still apart of that home. It kills me inside to think of everything we had planned and then to think that none of that will happen. I miss you so much and now you’re just a memory and I’m known as the girl who lost her mom. I miss you and I wish my life hadn’t turned out this way but I know for some fucking reason it needed to. I miss you and I hate this and I hate how I lost you. I feel like I’m never going to be whole again. just different.

I love you mom. Happy birthday. I wish we could be together on this day as I pack for college and tell you I’m bringing that blanket you bought from Pottery Barn because it reminds me of you. I wish I could tell you that Annika and I are still best friends and that I’ve made so many more along the way. I wish you could see how close Armita and I are. I wish you could give me a hug.

I’m so lostlostlostlostlostlost and I miss you so much. I’m used to taking care of myself but I cry a bit on the inside when I see daughters being able to have healthy adult relationships with their mothers as they move on to college. I wanted that. I’m sad to have lost that opportunity. You feel like a myth, like a fairytale from a part of my life so magical and happy it needs to be fictitious.

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