It’s been 3 birthdays since I spent this day with you.
It’s gotten to be almost normal to not share another birthday or holiday with you but that doesn’t change the fact that each of these days hurts more than the last. The picture attached to this post is the collage I made on the last birthday I spent with you. I miss you a lot and college starts two days after your birthday and I guess these are just a lot of emotions to take in.
I feel like since college is starting and a new part of my life is beginning, my childhood and my time with my mother is officially ending. I know that’s not necessarily true at all, but the “really-huge-emotional-transition” I’m going through this summer doesn’t help how I react to situations. I’ve also watched too many classic disney cartoons this summer so the nostalgic feelings are extra emo.
My childhood is coming to an end, and I’m entering a time in my life that doesn’t really have a label. Adult? Teenager? Weird half-teen, half-adult? I have no idea. I just feel like all these endings make me contemplate who I am and what I’ve lost throughout my life. I haven’t been a real kid since about 8th grade because my life has been plagued by cancer… so childhood = lost. Mom = lost. Disney movies let me hold onto my childhood longer but they constantly remind me how old I am. I want to still be a kid but I also know it’s time to grow up a bit.
I have to make peace with myself in this weird limbo stage of my life. With that thought, also happy birthday mom. Thanks for keeping me comfortable and calm throughout this weird, shitty time. I’ll be keeping your Boston crewneck safe with me in Berkeley. I love you.
8/18/61 – 5/26/14