The sound of her voice.

Flipping through pictures feels unreal. I don’t understand how someone can exist and then cease to exist. Who created these laws of the universe? Who said that someone can exist for years and then just cease to exist. Poof. Gone.

What do people do to Life for Life to come back and just break up with them like that. Just end it. I’m flipping through pictures and I’m looking at your face and you look SO REAL. So alive. I don’t understand how someone who looks and feels.. WAS so real, isn’t real anymore.

My high school experience has been nothing that I imagined it to be. I remember being seven or eight years old, watching cartoons when I was homesick from school, daydreaming about me as a middle schooler and me as a high schooler. This, this, and this would happen. I’ll walk around with my books like this, and talk to boys like this.

I didn’t ever expect to be crying after Grad Night ended, not because I’ll miss the kids I was surrounded with, but because I looked up at the sky and realized it had been 2 full years since my mom passed away, and I couldn’t remember the sound of her voice.

I couldn’t remember how she felt when she held my hand or hugged me. I realized I completely forgot her as a physical human being. She became an idea…a figure in my mind. My mother who passed away from cancer. My mother who loved to look at handbags and shoes she couldn’t afford and my mother who drank nonfat lattes and my mother who would pick me up from preschool and buy me mushroom pizza from CPK. I can’t remember what she was like truly as an everyday person and that absolutely crushed me.

I wanted to remember what she was like, I wanted to remember the sound of her voice so fucking bad it shook me. The tears felt endless. All I could do after Grad Night – the end of my high school experience – was cry about how I couldn’t remember what my mother’s voice sounded like anymore.


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