Mothers

Happy Mother’s day.

On days like today I’m reminded of things I have and things I do not have. Mother’s day is almost rougher than my mom’s birthday because its a reminder that the majority of the world has a mother – or two – while mine isn’t alive anymore.

I’ve been okay with the whole ordeal lately. College has put my mind on hold, and I’m not thinking of the reality of my life as much. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get sad or feel like crying, which I do right now.. it’s just less often. There were small reminders when people congratulated me about Cal, saying that my mom would be so proud of me, that she’s proud of me up in Heaven.

I don’t know how to voice this to the world, but hearing that is so hard. I know its meant with good intentions, but it just reminds me of the fact that she isn’t here. That I will never know how she would react to my dream coming true. I’ll never know what she would say or what she would do. I will never hear her say “I’m so proud of you, you worked so hard and now it’s worth it. You did it. And I love you.”

That’s sooooo rough for me.

Now I’m sitting here in my bathroom, missing my mom, wishing I could be with her today, wishing I could go out to brunch with her and hug her and kiss her. I miss her more than the whole world will ever know and I’ll never get to be with her again. A lot of this just sucks and I don’t really say it enough because I’m used to not talking about it and putting on a face. I learned how to be sad by myself though, so that’s a good thing. That’s healthier than I used to handle this. But it still sucks. And I don’t say it enough.

At this point I would like to highlight everything my dad has done in the past 2 years, and even before that. My dad has taken on both roles, and I know it’s extremely hard on him, but he’s doing his best. He’s doing more than his best, and I love him so much for it. The support and good times and love he gives me and my sister makes it easier to forget that my mom isn’t here to give that to us.

Today is probably my least favorite day of the year, but its pretty okay at the same time because I’m reminded of what I still have and how much I love my dad and my sister. I’m reminded of those good things too. They don’t necessarily make up for the bad things, but it’s still okay.

I only ask for anyone who is reading this, if your mom is still with you and still alive, please go hug her. Kiss her. Tell her you love her. Just be with her, for me. For the kids and adults who don’t get to do that with their mothers. Think about, realize, try to remember how lucky you are deep down for having her still. I know there are people who have problems in their families and I respect that.. but singularly, isolated from the situation, just understand from my perspective how LUCKY you are that your mom is still alive.

Also, I want to recognize all of my friends who have shown their support and love in their own way. It’s hard for ME to say how much it means or even reciprocate that love, but just know, if you’re reading this, it literally means the world, the universe to me.

I’m gonna end this here. This is a playlist with songs that remind me of my mom, if you want to take a listen. It’s not a bad group of songs.

Take a listen. Thank you for reading. Please call your mom.

 

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